HPV Positive

Well, it happened. I got some results. They weren’t good ones.

For those of you who are new to the site I had my second ever smear just under a year ago and it came back with high grade dyskaryosis. Following that I had a colposcopy and LLETZ to remove the cells with a follow-up in six months time. Well, I’ve just had that follow-up.

This time – low grade dyskaryosis. The bad cell changes are back only this time they are minor. OK I can deal with that. I read that there was a good chance that could happen. A lot of women have experienced this. The thing that concerns me was this…

“The laboratory tested your screening sample for HPV and reported there was evidence of HPV infection.” 

Shit. That was the bad news I didn’t want to hear. That was yet again, the bad news everyone told me I WOULDN’T hear. It happened. I’m HPV positive. Jeez it sounds like a fucking death sentence.

I know it’s not that bad, don’t worry. After literally falling to my knees and sobbing my little heart out, I decided I needed a grown up to tell me I wasn’t going to die. My mother and I aren’t talking so I did the next logical thing…. I called my father and cried to him about my vagina for 45 minutes. I don’t know why I did that. I thought about calling Bestie but he wasn’t a grown up enough. I needed a real grown up. A proper straight-thinking, logical grown-up. That’s what I needed.

He calmed me down pretty well for a slightly bewildered father whose almost-30 year old step-daughter had just called him up out of the blue to cry her eyes out about cervical cancer. He talked me through it in the logical way that only a father can and he assured me that I was overreacting as usual. At the end of the conversation we were even laughing about it. I feel as if I should give that man a medal. He’s a good man.

Overreaction over, it’s time to wait for a colposcopy appointment again. Last time it arrived the day after the results I’m pretty sure so I’m hoping the wait will be just as swift this time around. The thought of having that LLETZ procedure again literally fills me with dread. The pain I went through during and after was something else entirely. Everyone told me it wouldn’t hurt that much and I would just experience some slight discomfort but I was in crippling pain. The infections into my cervix to numb it were the most painful injections I’ve EVER had in my life. The waves of pain that came later on that night almost killed me. I was in tears on the floor, crying out in pain. That’s no exaggeration. There was no overreaction. That shit hurt. And now I’m facing the prospect of going through it all over again.

Now add to that the fact they can only do so many of these LLETZ procedures before they eventually just lop your whole insides out. I have done my fair share of Googling over the last year or so and I’ve read more than a few accounts of women who had a dodgy smear, LLETZ, a couple more dodgy smears and then a hysterectomy. I haven’t had kids yet. That is not an option for me. I can’t get my head around that so I’m refusing to. I don’t even want to think about it. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it and I don’t doubt that it will make me completely fall apart.

I know I’m overreacting here and things aren’t that bad yet but they are on their way to being really bad. I tested positive to a viral infection that causes cervical cancer. Sorry, the abnormal cell changes that cause cervical cancer. There is no way to get rid of this viral infection. You just get rid of the symptoms it causes as it tries to destroy your body. My body is meant to fight off this infection by itself but it can’t probably because I have zero immunity – remember those fucking bowel problems, the lack of food, zero appetite, loss of weight…

So let me get this straight. I have a virus in my body that is trying to manipulate my cells to change into cancer. Medicine can’t get rid of this virus and I can’t get rid of this virus all the time my immunity is down. My immunity is down because of this bowel condition and they don’t know what’s causing that either so they can’t fix it. I’m literally just battling cancer, aren’t I? It’s trying to grow and we’re just cutting it back. That’s all we’re doing here. What happens if I can’t fix my immunity? What happens if my body can’t get rid of these cells? What happens if I can’t fix my bowel problem or they can’t figure out what it is? Am I always going to have this HPV in my body? How much of my cervix can they take away before we have no further options? How the fuck is this happening to me?

I’d prepared myself for the low grade dyskaryosis. I kinda guessed that would happen. I hadn’t prepared myself for testing HPV positive. I know it’s not a death sentence and I know I’m probably going to be fine but right now, I am freaking the fuck out. This isn’t funny anymore. It stopped being funny a really long ago.

HPV Positive. Now I’m fucking scared. 

Take a peek at these:

• #SmearForSmear
• #SmearForSmear: From Normal Girl to High Grade Dyskaryosis & Potential Cancer Scare No. 2!
• Life After LLETZ – What They Don’t Tell You
• LLETZ + 6 Months